I wear your love around me like a cloak, so at night when they come for me, the demons of my past, I can stand up to them. It keeps me strong, it makes me brave. Or at the very least it keeps me from cowering in fear.
Sometimes it makes me want to claw my eyes out, sometimes it makes me want to scratch my skin off, sometimes it makes me want to scream till my throat is raw and my voice is just a hoarse whisper and sometimes I just hide under my bed and hold my breath hoping no one will find me.
I turn to sleep mostly because it’s easier than facing the thoughts in my head. Most nights I’m too tired, exhausted by my attempts throughout the day to act like I’m in control of everything, when really most of the time I don’t know where I’m going, what I’m doing. I don’t know if I miss you, I know I miss how you made me feel. I’m trying to get it back. Everywhere I go, everyone I’m with, I try and recreate what we had. I want to feel okay again.
I know I have the power to break you. And sometimes when I am angry I want to let loose and say all these terribly mean things, things I know will shatter you. I wouldn’t mean any of them and it would be so easy to say them, but I can’t because you can’t take things like that back, even if I were to apologise, they would hang in the air around us, creating small cracks. And over time those cracks will widen and widen. And the one thing I wouldn’t be able to stand would be losing you.