tonight I miss you
Even though I knew we were never really good for each other and all of this is for the best, tonight I miss you and it’s taking every ounce of self control I possess to not send you a cute flirty message. I want to ask about your day. I want to hear your voice. I want to babble on the phone to you, till my voice becomes thick with sleep and I drift off without realising. Awake one second. Asleep the next.
Maybe I won’t feel like this a week from now. A month, a year from now maybe you will be just a distant memory. But tonight, tonight I miss you.
You are selfish. And I am selfish. And two selfish people can never be happy together.
You only make me happy when I ignore the warnings in my head, that little voice that whispers that this isn’t a good idea. Because if I don’t ignore it, then I question myself, I question the person I am. A person willing to set aside her morals just so she doesn’t have to be alone.
"How to love your depressed lover.
Last night I thought I kissed the loneliness from out your belly button. I thought I did, but later you sat up, all bones and restless hands, and told me there is a knot in your body that I cannot undo. I never know what to say to these things. “It’s okay.” “Come back to bed.” “Please don’t go away again.” Sometimes you are gone for days at a time and it is all I can do not to call the police, file a missing person’s report, even though you are right there, still sleeping next to me in bed. But your eyes are like an empty house in winter: lights left on to scare away intruders. Except in this case I am the intruder and you are already locked up so tight that no one could possibly jimmy their way in. Last night I thought I gave you a reason not to be so sad when I held your body like a high note and we both trembled from the effort.
Some people, though, are sad against all reason, all sensibility, all love. I know better now. I know what to say to the things you admit to me in the dark, all bones and restless hands. “It’s okay.” “You can stay in bed.” “Please come back to me again."